JOKES QUOTES AND FUNNY LOVE POEM

Here's a selection of jokes about states, famous quotes, and one funny love poem set in Texas.

ALABAMA

Two boys are playing football in a vacant lot when one of the boys is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the first little boy rips a board off a nearby fence, and smacks the dog in the head with it, killing him instantly.

A reporter happens by, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "That was the most incredible act of bravery I've ever seen!" the reporter exclaims. He whips out his notebook and furiously scribbles the headline: "Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal!"

The little hero sees this and says, "But sir, I'm not a Bama Fan, I'm an Auburn Fan!"

The reporter scowls, flips the page and begins a new headline: "Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet"

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ALASKA

You Know You're In Alaska When...

The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.

You find -60 degrees a bit chilly.

You know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Road Construction. Your relatives refer to you as “that crazy person who lives up there.”

You have more miles on you snow blower than your car.

Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

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ARIZONA

Ode to Arizona

The Devil wanted a place on earth.

Sort of a summer home

A place to spend his vacation

Whenever he wanted to roam.

So he picked out Arizona.

and ordered no rain to fall:

He dried up the lakes in the valleys,

Then baked and scorched it all.

Then over this barren desert

He transplanted shrubs from Hell.

The cactus, thistle and prickly pear –

The climate suited them well.

Then he made the rattlesnake.

With its forked poisonous tongue:

Taught it to strike and rattle

And how to swallow its young.

Then he made Scorpions and Lizards

And the ugly old Horned Toad,

and placed spiders of every description

Under rocks by the side of the road.

"By Golly," he finally panted

"I did my job too well.

I'm going back where I came from

Arizona is hotter than Hell!"

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SILLY QUOTE

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

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ARKANSAS

Arkansas Professional Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

a. '66 Ford Fairlane

b. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle

c. '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine per hour, how many radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine at 24 inches on center with a field rock foundation.

The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1" thick rough sawn pine.

When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

5. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

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CALIFORNIA

It is said that in California, when pulled over by the Highway Patrol, you're asked for your real estate license, since not everyone has a driver's license.

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"In his apology, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said he was sorry to the women that he groped, and he admitted that he had acted badly. Not only that, Arnold then apologized for acting badly in all of his movies." —Conan O'Brien

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"Apparently, six women claim that Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them while they were working on his movies. Hats off to these women who are brave enough to admit they worked on Arnold's movies." —Craig Kilborn

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"Arnold Schwarzenegger made his tax returns public, and now there's a problem about him stretching the truth. Apparently, under ‘occupation’ he put down 'actor.'" —Jay Leno

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COLORADO

If you don't like the weather in Denver, wait another 15 minutes.

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CONNECTICUT

Connecticut's State Song is "Yankee Doodle"

YANKEE DOODLE

Yankee Doodle went to town

A-riding on a pony

Stuck a feather in his hat

And called it macaroni.

Yankee Doodle, keep it up

Yankee Doodle dandy

Mind the music and the step

And with the girls be handy.

Father and I went down to camp

Along with Captain Gooding

And there we saw the men and boys

As thick as hasty pudding.

Yankee Doodle, keep it up

Yankee Doodle dandy

Mind the music and the step

And with the girls be handy

There was Captain Washington

Upon a slapping stallion

A-giving orders to his men

I guess there was a million.

Yankee Doodle, keep it up

Yankee Doodle dandy

Mind the music and the step

And with the girls be handy.

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DELAWARE

Delaware State Motto: Please Call Before Visiting So We Can Make Room

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FLORIDA

Directions to Tallahassee: Go north 'till you smell it. Go west 'till you step in it.

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Top 5 Florida State Mottos

1) Ask us about our grandkids!

2) If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

3) Where your vote counts...and counts...and counts...

4) If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.

5) We're number one! Wait! Recount!

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GEORGIA

HOW THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF MICROSOFT WAS LOCATED IN GEORGIA Instead of "Yes," "No," or "Cancel," dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right," "Naw," or "Git."

The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.

Instead of "VP," Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz."

One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12-gauge shotgun.

Directions to Corporate Headquarters: "Down the road a ways."

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HAWAII

Walking along the beach, a man found a bottle and opened it.

A genie appeared and said, "For setting me free, I will grant you one wish."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. I’m afraid that’s virtually impossible."

The man then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women."

The genie considered this for a minute and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

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IDAHO

You know you’re in Idaho when:

You leave your keys in the car and the next morning it's still there.

The elevation exceeds the population.

People drive 200 miles to shop in a real mall.

You got a set of snow tires for Valentines Day.

You wave to someone on the freeway because you recognize the truck.

You get skis for Christmas, and use them Christmas morning by sliding down the roof.

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ILLINOIS

The Chicago Cubs were at batting practice, and the pitching machine threw a no-hitter...

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VOICE ON LOUD SPEAKER: Would the lady who left her nine kids at Wrigley Field please pick them up immediately? They are beating the Cubs 5-0 in the 7th inning...

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A wicked Chicago man died and went to Hell, where the Devil locked him in a room and cranked up the heat.

The man smiled and said, "Just like Chicago in spring!"

So the Devil cranked up the heat even more. The man smiled and said, "Just like Chicago in June!"

So the Devil cranked the heat to the maximum. The smiled and said, "Just like Chicago in August!"

Then the Devil got an idea. He shut off the heat and turned on the air conditioning. The room froze in seconds. Ice was everywhere.

The man smiled and said, "The Cubs won the World Series!”

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INDIANA

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IOWA

You Might Be An Iowan If...

You ever went to parties held in a pasture, a barn, or the middle of a dirt road.

Your idea of an EXCITING weekend is watching a fight in the parking lot.

You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.

The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people".

The people in the city dress funny, then your town picks up on the trend a few years later.

Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the Feed Store.

You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

The city council meets at the coffee shop.

Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.

You think it’s normal to see an old man riding through town on a lawn mower.

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KANSAS

True News Stories

A man walked into a Kansas convenience store and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

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Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

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KENTUCKY

SILLY QUOTE

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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STATE OF KENTUCKY RESIDENCY APPLICATION

Name:

(_) Billy-Bob

(_) Billy-Joe

(_) Billy-Ray

(_) Billy-Sue

(_) Billy-Mae

(_) Billy-Jack

(Check appropriate box)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

(_) Farmer

(_) Mechanic

(_) Hair Dresser

(_) Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

(_) Sister

(_) Brother

(_) Aunt

(_) Uncle

(_) Cousin

(_) Mother

(_) Father

(_) Son

(_) Daughter

(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_) The National Enquirer

(_) The Globe

(_) TV Guide

(_) Soap Opera Digest

(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile

(_)2 miles

(_)don't rightly know

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LOUISIANA

Louisiana State Motto: We're Not All Drunken Cajun Weirdos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

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MAINE

Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire.

Farmer said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these Maine winters."

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MARYLAND

Maryland State Motto: If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us.

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MASSACHUSETTS

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited and talking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston.

After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"

"Yes Sir! Class of '94!" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58."

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MICHIGAN

Q: How many University of Michigan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

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Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?

A: On the University of Michigan campus. It's the last place anyone would look for a football player.

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MINNESOTA

Minnesota State Slogans

I came, I thawed, I transferred.

Survive Minnesota and the rest of the World is easy.

Minnesota - where visitors turn blue with envy.

Minnesota - come fall in love with a loon.

Minnesota: CLOSED FOR GLACIER REPAIRS.

Land of 2 seasons: Winter is coming, Winter is here.

WARNING: You are entering Minnesota, Please use an alternate route!

Minnesota - home of the Mispi… Mispp… Missispp… Where the damn river starts.

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Q. How do you keep a Minnesota Viking out of your yard?

A. Put up goal posts.

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Q. What's the difference between the Minnesota Vikings and a dollar bill?

A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

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Q. How many Vikings does it take to win a Super Bowl?

A. Nobody knows.

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Q. What do the Vikings and possums have in common?

A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

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MISSISSIPPI

Q: What are the three biggest cities in Mississippi?

A: Memphis, Mobile and New Orleans.

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State Motto: MISSISSIPPI - HOW DO YOU SPELL IT? I-T!

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MISSOURI

TRUE NEWS STORY

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

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MONTANA

Montana State Motto: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else

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NEBRASKA

Nebraska State Motto: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

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NEVADA

Nevada State Motto: Whores and Poker!

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NEW HAMPSHIRE

New Hampshire State Motto: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

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NEW JERSEY

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NEW MEXICO

New Mexico State Motto: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

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NEW YORK

A man was telling his co-worker that the company was transferring him to New York City, but that he had decided to quit his job instead, because he was just too afraid of all the crime.

His co-worker said, “New York is a magnificent city, with world class museums, great public transportation, and all the conveniences. Why, I myself worked in New York for almost 10 years and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."

”Really?” said the first man. "What did you do there?"

Coworker replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."

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NORTH CAROLINA

North Carolina State Motto: Tobacco is a Vegetable

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TRUE NEWS STORY:

A North Carolina man purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, and insured them against flood, fire, and theft. Within a month, he'd smoked all the cigars and hadn't made even his first premium payment on the policy.

So he filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had smoked the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous, but noted that the policy clearly stated that the cigars were insured against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire."

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.

But as soon as the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property, and was sentenced to 2 years in prison and a $24,000 fine.

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NORTH DAKOTA

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OHIO

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OKLAHOMA

TRUE NEWS STORY

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber.

Newton called the woman a liar and said, "I should of blown your head off," then, noticing the dead silence in the room, quickly added, "...if I'd been the one that was there." Newton was swiftly convicted.

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OREGON

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PENNSYLVANIA

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RHODE ISLAND

Rhode Island State Motto: We're Not REALLY An Island

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SOUTH CAROLINA

Actual note received from the Department of Social Services in Greenville, South Carolina

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

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SOUTH DAKOTA

South Dakota State Motto: Closer Than North Dakota

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TRUE NEWS STORY

Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of marijuana in her purse.

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TENNESSEE

TRUE NEWS STORY

A bank robber in Bumpus, Tennessee, handed a teller the following note: "Watch out. This is a rubbery. I hav an oozy traned on your but. Dump the in a sack, this one. No die packkets or other triks or I will tare you a new naval. No kwarter with red stuff on them, too."

Needless to say, the robbery was unsuccessful.

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TEXAS

TEXAS LOVE POEM

Susie Lee done fell in love.

She planned to marry Joe.

She was so happy 'bout it all

She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal,

You'll have to find another.

I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know.

But Joe is yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe

And planned to marry Will.

But after telling pappy this,

He said, "There's trouble still.

You can't marry Will, my gal,

And please don't tell yo' mother.

But Will and Joe, and several mo'

I know is yo' half brother."

But mama knew and said, "My Child,

Just do what makes yo' happy.

Marry Will or marry Joe.

You ain't no kin to pappy."

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ACTUAL QUOTES BY TEXAS POLITICIANS

1. "It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket." Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury.

2. "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?" Texas House SpeakerGib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs.

3. "I am filled with humidity." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

4. "...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..." Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote.

5. "This is unparalyzed in the state's history." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

6. "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

7. "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

8. "There are still places where people think that the function of the media is to provide information." Don Rottenberg.

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UTAH

UTAH STATE SLOGAN: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

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VERMONT

TRUE STORY

A man called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

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VIRGINIA

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WASHINGTON

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WASHINGTON DC

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

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WEST VIRGINIA

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WISCONSIN

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WYOMING

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wyoming is planning to a show called Survivor Wyoming Style. The contestants will start in Cheyenne, travel to Lusk, Newcastle, Moorcroft, over to Gillette, down to Bar Nun and on to Hell's Half Acre. They will then proceed up to Worland, on to Meeteetse, then on to Shoshoni, Lander and Casper. From there, they'll proceed to Medicine Bow, Laramie and finally back to Cheyenne. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Cheyenne alive wins.

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